Dear Butterbean,
All I want is my breakfast and my parents are still asleep. I'm trying to tell them I'm hungry, but they just don't seem to get it.
How do I get heard and get fed? Help me, Bean!
Thanks,
Starving in Seattle
Dear hungry friend,
I'm quite familiar with this scenario, as is pretty much every cat in the whole entire world that's not able to feed freely. I've got some tricks with proven results that I would love to share with you!
First, it's important that you just annoy your humans, and not anger them. Be reasonable and don't expect breakfast to be served 3:00 AM - you won't get good results at that hour. Wait until 5:00 AM to begin waking them.
Start by walking the perimeter of the bed while meowing loudly. When you cross the pillows, step firmly, and huff dramatically. You can step on their hair, but not on their faces.
After five to six laps, stop and sit on your human, and give yourself a good bath. Then, do a few more laps, but this time, meow louder, then sit on their pillow, and swish your floofy tail across their face.
If you don't get results after these first steps, it's time to turn it up a notch: lick their eyelids, put your nose inside one of their nostrils, or bite toes. You can paw at their face too, but do keep your claws in.
If this doesn't work, solicit help from your little sister. It's much harder to ignore TWO hungry cats, than just one. Chase each other across the room and over the bed multiple times.
Encourage your sister to do the naughtier acts, so if the humans do get mad, they're not mad at you, they're mad at her. Get her to knock eyeglasses or jewelry off of the night stand, tip over water glasses, or chew on earbuds or computer cords. Make sure she just gnaws on them, and doesn't chew through. You don't want her to ingest anything or get electrocuted!
If they're not out of bed by this point, keep doing all of these things again, and again, and again until breakfast is served.
Bon Appétit!
Charelene Butterbean
And if that doesn't work, there's always the fake puking...
ReplyDeleteOr, the real. Ugh.
DeleteExcellent advice!! A wise, wise kitty hath spoken :)
ReplyDelete...and stand on their legs! Nothing gets a reaction quicker than those tiny paws with 11 pounds of pressure behind them :-)
ReplyDeleteOurs have discovered an even more effective spot...right atop the human's bladder!
Deletedefinitely the bladder - no doubt, especially placing BOTH front paws unerringly on the center of the bladder
DeleteOh my doodness sakes, we have 2 indoor cats and one I built an outdoor box which is cozy she can only get into cause I put her in at 8 to 9 pm with tons of warm blankys..Ginger I named her she is a ball of ginger and red coloring, the other two start to meowing loudly by 4 or 5 am and I get up and feed them separately and fresh water and back to sleep they go..one goes out to do his thing and rushes back inside, I see ginger still sleeping and keeping warm.. They don't go out in the daytime our two inside children and Ginger if it freezes I take the box into our insulated garage and warm up her blankys I keep clean and warm! She runs out in the morning and comes back at noon for lunch and pets and loves, I will take her to get fixed soon, and dewormed and cleaned up and see if she has the usualy suspects, somepeople dumped her off in the high school field and she got to our home, we are cat lovers..Your kitty cats crack me up!
ReplyDeleteBean, didn't you once fake barf to get breakfast? You didn't share that tip!
ReplyDeleteMy two little guys like to walk across the headboard and jump onto my stomach. That's guaranteed to wake me up.
ReplyDeleteI've heard Bean runs a top secret kitty club website with these tips already posted.
ReplyDeleteI think this must be true because my kittys seem to know all of these same tricks.
DeleteDear Charlene,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very familiar!
How long have you been tutoring kittens? This is very good advice!
Love, a human parent of a very good student.
Oh Bean! You are such a wise kitty! And I just love how you freely impart your wisdom on any kitty that needs it! You are a gem, my dear! But, no fair taking advantage of your baby sister, no matter how much of a sympathy factor she has!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteDear floofy, gorgeous Charlene Butterbean! I would wake up at 3 AM, 5 AM or whatever time you desire! Your advice is purr-fect!
ReplyDeleteGentle pets and loves to Charlene and Wylla!
One of our cats is a fan of standing or sitting right on my bladder, which of course is always quite full by morning. VERY effective.
ReplyDeleteMeowing directly into the ears of your human(s) and laying on their face if they are on their back also work well. Jumping down onto your human(s) works (the higher the spot you jump from, the better). You can jump up from the floor onto them, but jumping down is preferred.
ReplyDeleteI concur with Berg. If you stand or sit on your human, the bladder is a good spot, for male and female bodies. If your human has female anatomy, boobs get a pretty fast response, too.
ReplyDeleteI agree Charlene, using a younger sibling is a good idea. I've trained my little brother Malcolm to be the sad, loud one, and my sister Mae is good at just pawing on the door non-stop. We live in an old house, and the doors creak in places, and she really does have a knack for finding that one spot on the door that makes it bounce on the door frame really loudly. It usually gets a response.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Mom. (Honestly, she could be a little less crabby in the morning, you'd think the sight of our sweet faces would make her happy.) Love, your friend Atticus
Bean, thanks for the caution to "keep the claws in". Mr. Paul's little love taps to the nose in the morning don't always follow that rule. I may need to send him down for remedial training.
ReplyDeleteArgh, my older cat has clearly been reading this column! She too apparently skimmed over the "keep your claws in" bit, however.
ReplyDeleteDon't know whether to be impressed that my cat apparently read this while I was sleeping, or irritated that the little guy turned down snuggles and dragged me out of bed with the most bloodcurdling wailing you can imagine just to make sure the kibs were refilled. (He had a couple greenies and no kibs and then wandered off, satisfied he world was now in order, to watch the birdies in the tree out front.)
ReplyDeleteHilarious and so true!
ReplyDeleteReilly the Maine Coon suggests gently pawing the side of the human mouths, tickles. Then get Miss Sprite to Sing the Song of Hungry Maine Coons Everywhere -loudly and off key. Knocking keys off dressers, batting any bag left on the floor and body checking the human into getting up to feed the "starving cats" will also work.
ReplyDeleteDear Charlene, Here's another tip from the late (and ever-to-be-lamented) cat of my youth, Benji. "If you've tried all other means and your human won't get up to feed you, here's a surefire method. Gently insert your bottom fangs up their nostrils. CAUTION do not touch their flesh, this is only to tickle their deepest nose hairs...of course, if they jerk awake in fright and scratch themselves in the process, well, that's hardly your fault. I've never known this to fail. ... If it does, quickly go to the phone, knock the receiver off and jump on the keypad until help arrives, because your human is obviously in critical medical condition."
ReplyDelete